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Dear Baby Stinkys,

Happy 1st Anniversary! I bet you never thought we would get this far right?! Well here we are. One year. We’ve been through massive fights, super manjafied moments, lame jokes and close friendship bonds. Not too bad, i’d say.

You know how people always think that we’ve been together for years? I like that feeling. Its a feeling of comfort like never before. Do you feel that way too?

I know i can be the most irritating person ever, also the most ignorant at the best of times, and no matter how much you’d ignore me, i know that you love me.

This birthday, i know you did a lot for me. But the one thing that trumps everything is not in the gifts or cakes, it was in the moment that you let me sleep in like a pig on my birthday. Normally you’d force me out of bed to either eat or do something or go somewhere to get your work materials, but my heart swelled when you came into the room after you were ready, climb onto the bed, hugged and kissed me and said, “Happy Birthday honey, I love you heaps heaps”. Its so simple i know! But somehow that touched me the most.

Baby baby, do you know when i feel most loved? Its when i’m super manjafied and you put up with it, or when i’m being a major pain-in-the-ass drama queen and yet you giggle or laugh, or times when i’m acting like a little girl in a carefree world and yet you smile. You let me be me (with some scolding of course). I know our fights are long drawn and very pussy like, but everything goes out the window the minute you come looking for me like the time when i was hiding under our make-shift-closet of clothes and you came looking for me and when you found me you extended your hand to pull me up and then hugged me tightly. Its nice. Also, you know when you’re trying to sleep yet i’m talking nonstop like a possessed woman yet you’d laugh at the silly things i say especially at that hour? hehe i love you.

You always say i dont care about you or dont notice things that you do for me. I do. I notice them but sometimes, or most the times i just dont say anything.
I know you love me when you’ll call me just for nothing even though we’re in the same office.
I know you love me when you come looking for me when i dont answer my phone.
I know you love me no matter what nonsense you may say when you’re pissed off.
I know you love me even though you’re frustrated with me and my ignorance.
I know you love me when you smack me when i dont eat.
I know you love me especially when you try to hide the fact that you love me.
i know you love me.

As unpredictable as life always is, I hope this one is predictable.
I love you baby stinkys.
Thank you for loving me.

Dear Diary,

i’m 23.
there’s no running away from it.
i think you already know that by now.

before i blab away,
baby stinkys, thank you for getting me the first cake in the office, bringing me to lecka-lecka for dinner, attempting to plan a surprise party and bake me a cake all for my birthday..
i love you very very much………..

this year i had a very mixed-feeling weekend.
i’ve been experiencing feelings of disappointment, joy, gratefulness and lust.
no its not what you think it is.

despite me sleeping through and working most my weekend away, i’ve had some time to think.
at 23, this is not entirely where i want to be.

i cant say that i’ve got regrets, no..
rather, i’m disappointed with myself.
however, the only person to blame is myself, right?
and of course who else to rant to but you, dear diary because i know you’d never stop listening.

i am disappointed that i am stuck somewhere in between not knowing why i’m stuck and knowing how i got stuck but yet not knowing how to get out of it.
and i’m sitting here thinking, how did i get myself into such a bind?
whatever happened to the cirpy i’ve-got-my-life-all-sorted-out me?
nevertheless, i know i need to get out of it.

there were a few wishes that really struck a nerve this year
and of course some presents too!
a touching text from patricia made me feel secure, a text from may and choy made me feel loved, a psp from faiz made me feel like a kid again (and i love it faiz! still very very thankful!), a countertop set from syed made me realise where my life was headed, a notebook from angie made me feel heard and a dress from karl so i’d always have a beautiful and sincerely made dress to wear for a hundred and one of baby’s events.

the group of people who turned up at zeta for my birthday was unexpected yet heart warming
angie + rodney, bryan, lallu + kaixian, syed, andy, adrian + winnie, karl, richard.
you know, they took the time to come out for me!
as simple as it sounds, it meant a lot to me.

i’m grateful that sometimes no matter how stupid or how ignorant i may be, my friends and family are still there for me.
my mom for always, always providing and pushing for us to lead a good life
daddy for always being there as a silent pillar
ning, we’re stuck being sisters and we dont talk or meet up much but i love her to bits
baby stinkys for slapping me into realisation even though i dont want to hear it

after 23 years of life, i lust for more
i want to travel, i want to meet people, i want to photograph, i want to spend my time talking and helping kids and women around the world!
i want to live!
well, my type of living that is.

like the famous kuching layer cake,
thats how my life’s been so far.