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… this ton of dread that something really bad is going to happen,
either to you or to anyone else,
and it weights you down immediately?

have u ever felt your heart sink with a certainty that a negative force is present and you have no control over it?

have u ever felt that u are about to die?

it happened to me this afternoon.

all thoughts of the Cambodian Project was running through my mind
and then out of a sudden,
a sense of dreaded certainty, with an unpresidented force, hit me
and, as stupid as it may sound, a sudden flash of vision stunned me to stillness.
it was me, sitting in my car, watching a 16 wheeled truck drive straight at me and there was nothing i could do but wait for my ascertained death.
and at that moment, i felt as though i knew for sure that this is my death.
(you may say i’ve watched too much tv or that i’ve got a wicked imagination, i dont care)
and i was so convinced that this is going to happen tomorrow, 5th July 2008.
there are no words to fully describe how i felt at that moment.
but i know my heart sank with a thud, somewhat like an anchor thrown overboard,
and tears rushing and forcing itself to be squeezed out of it’s ducts.
and even now when i think about it, the sinking feeling and the tears are still there.
i can not comprehand what happened.
but at that moment, my world stood still.
for the first time in my life, my world came to a complete stop, albeit not for long.
the things i never did, the things i never said, the things i wished i said all came into view
they were like pictures frozen in time, levitating all around me 

all i remember doing after that is, picking up my phone and texting a couple of people
naturally my text sounded as though i was gonna rob myself of my own life (which i’ll NEVER do cos it is so damn stupid~)
nevertheless, there is one person whom i’ve yet said anything to, and i know i will regret that decision.

i know all these sounds dramatic in every way possible
and no, i’m not going to debate this issue
however, just to be safe then sorry, i’m gonna try to stay at home the whole day tomorrow

you can call me a drama queen,
i dont give two flying fucks.

better safe than sorry.

the Cambodian Project was conceived when i was in Siem Reap
when i was there, however short my trip was, what i saw changed my perspectives
they are so poor, yet happy and contented!
which is a rare occurance in big cities, contentment..

anyhow, this project is my baby
and i’d love for it to work out
but in order for that to happen, i’d need as much help as i can get!
below are some information about what we currently have and what we’re striving to achieve

the general idea is:

1. we’ll be running a few collection drives here in kl or around Malaysia
2. the collections would include clothings (new, hand-me-downs but not too shabby for ages 2 - 18 preferably 2-5 year olds ), stationaries fit for children in kindergarten, primary and secondary schools and medical supplies
3. during the 3rd and 4th week of November, whoever who’d be interested to go would go and personally hand the clothings, stationaries and medical supplies to the people there
4. targeted area, Siem Reap and the rural areas in northewestern Cambodia

also, there are talks of organizing charity basketball tournaments as fundraisers where the money would either go to food, and/or medical supplies or straight to a particular children’s hospital.
these tournaments are slated to materialize in Singapore and also in KL.

For those who are interested in helping out but not physically going over to Cambodia, these are the few things that I’ll be needing help with:
1. a core group of dedicated, reliable and passionate people with ideas
2. people to help with the collection drives
3. people to help with promotion of the collection drives
4. people to help with sponsorships
5. contacts! (very the important.. haha)
6. people to help with logistics
7. publicity
8. volunteers where needed
actually, anyone who is interested in any way, it’ll be good to hear from you

for those of u who are on facebook, do join the group
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=19865551643

and also if u’re interested, just email me at
singyuin@gmail.com

hope to hear from y’all soon!
i think its time we did something for them
and in turn, they’ll teach us a thing or two about the simplicities of life!
aint that wonderful?!

really down…
and its the kinda feeling where u just dont feel like talking about whats bothering u
and i decided to go out for a walk..
and at the same time to get some dinner
was walking around deep in thought when i heard my cellphone beep
i sheepishly took my phone out and received a pleasant surprise!
got a text from rodin!
that itself made my day cos i’ve missed him so..

next morning, i woke up to another text from him
and it made me smile
he’s hilarious
plus i’ve missed his nonstop chatter
his constant yet slow voice explaining the ways of occitans to me
damnit… if only friends without borders would also be friends without distance!

ahhh.. the little pleasures in life

also, caught up with bhavesh yesterday night..
was ranting to him and he was trying to get me to agree to him sponsoring my trip to singapore for the weekend (choy and may’s bday bash)
and when i say trying, i really mean TRYING! hahahahaha
in the end, my stubbornness won……. naturally hahaha
but the thought of it was so touching
honestly, at that moment, i dont know why but tears were threatening to make an appearance
but of course i didnt let it…
and choy also called from singapore with words of encouragement…
love them to bits!
and all these when i thought my world was coming to a stand-still
so like i said, there’s always something positive in a day full of crap

and i’m also receiving overwhelming responce towards my Cambodian Project!
which brings me to my next post…..

its a funny thing really, this thing called life.
just when u thought u had everything signed, sealed and about to be delivered, huge ass paper shreading machines would fall from the sky, unanounced, and shred everything to teeny meeny pieces (like our lives are jokes of nature).
just when u think u’re able to reach for your dreams, your fingers gets cut off (ok fine i know i sound like a morbid lil ass).
its true i tell u!

but its definitely not going to stop me from doing what i want to do
and its not going to turn me into some goth chick..
although i’ve always been tempted to try goth… hmmm…
am currently at a cross road in life
should i or should i not give up my music for now
to give up my passion
ok, maybe not give it up entirely, but rather, push it aside for a while,
and concentrate on solving the problem(s)
but before that, i’ll have to find the courage to face myself and a part of reality which i’ve been trying to deny for a very long time now..
ahhhh… decisions decisions…

and yet through it all, life is a beautiful thing
be it man made,

or of nature

better still if i’m able to capture the beauty with my digicam! (hint hint~ me want dslr kekeke..)
but yea la… life aint fair or unfair..
life just is
its what we make of it that matters

besides, life is always full of surprises!
a whole load of badshit can happen to u
but if u’d just calm yourself down at the end of the day, u’d come to realise that no matter how bad your day/life is, there’s definitely something good that happened that u might have overlooked or chose to ignore.
like maybe a kind stranger offering u his parking spot, or an uplifting smile from a passerby, someone holding the door open for u, or coincidentally sitting down just in time to catch your fav series/sitcom..
anything and everything good thats under the sky can happen, but only if u allow yourself to see and feel them, even at the darkest point in your life

i’ve recently received news that a friend, whom i trusted and thought of as a close friend, backstabs me.
even when she was nice to me and all.
apparently it is out of jealousy.
and i wonder why.
she’s gorgeous, smart, and living a very good life here even before she left for her own country.
i cant say i’m surprised, but i cannot say i’m not hurt
and i am, again, reminded as to why i chose not to have that many close girl friends.
but i guess its something i’ve got to accept,
no matter how much i dont want to believe that she is that way.
oh well…
at least i’ve already got a handfull of girl friends i can trust
and even better still, i’ve got some really caring, really down to earth twins who are absolute darlings

cant wait to see them again!

oh and i’ve also been hanging out with manboobies and gang..
they’re absolutely entertaining
plus i think i can trust manboobies hahahahahaha
he’s so gonna kill me

ahhh i miss performing!
i miss bumbleass!
this picture was taken after our performance for Eriksson at the Singapore Flyer

and this is my perk of the day… or should i say, week!

someone i met briefly did this wallpaper of me
i absolutely LOVE it!
love the colours, love how he put two pictures into it…
i think he’s got talent!
cant believe he drew that..
so touching kan

last friday the entire ‘gang’ reunited at kennee’s place to celebrate his bday with him
may wasnt around thou because she is still in cambodia (miss her) and nicholl wasnt around because he had work
everyone else from the college/uni gang was there
lallu, linda, kishan, kennee, jim (JIM! haha), kuan yew, azeem, mayur, yvonne, samantha

the night started off like how every other gatherings would
ppl were here and there waiting for the food
and u wouldnt believe the amount of pizza we had!!
ordered twice and each time baring 4 pizzas hahaha
and of course, the manly men were sitting in front of the tv playing their boy’s toys
and most of us girls went to sit in the kitchen
when the food arrived, linda, kishan, mayur and i quickly secured our fort at the kitchen table
we sat there eating and drinking and drinking and eating…
and we never left the table…
hahahahaha
well, considering the fact that the food literally arrives at our doorstep and that the bottle of liqour is sitting between all of us.. who’d wanna get up?

after a while, all of us sort of lost track of time
the conversation was good, everyone was discussing ‘the future’ and it was really relaxed
different people came to join us in the kitchen sporadically
and then i realised (i know i use this phrase a lot.. thats what happens when u’ve lost sight of the simplicities of life and is trying to change) that this group of people is the one group that i can be whoever i am and will be whoever i wanna be and they’d still (probably) accept me as i am!
like come on, how often can u let your hair down, say whatever u wanna say, sit however u wanna sit (and knowing me i sit like a guy with no regards to anyone), laugh however loud u want, dress however u wanna dress and they’d still not judge u?
all of us were speaking our minds, all of us were making jokes at each other’s expence, all of us were punching each other in good mirth..
and of course in groups like these, u’d hear curses going in all directions
especially when we can see the boys loosing to the girls at ps2 games from the kitchen
and does anyone cares?
no.
there were no walls, no fear of judgement.
none of us had to care about our image cos we’ve basically seen each other through thick and thin (or more like the torturous sedayan life)
that sort of comfort and satisfaction was priceless

have i ever mentioned how ‘diversed’ this group of friends are?
lets see..

lallu - westernised indian
linda - kenyan (but mentally half white)
kishan - indian kenyan
mayur - indian kenyan
kuan yew - chinese (looks taiwanese)
kennee - baba chinese (looks indon)
jim - chinese philipino
samantha - chinese
azeem - pakistani indian
yvonne - chinese
me - punjabi-nised chinese
nicholl - chindian
may - liberal chinese

well, fine…
there were more chinese in the bunch
but gawd do we ever think differently!
all of us lead different lives, have different ambitions and interests
but yet being able to sit there talking and sharing and joking..
it was just wonderful
though i’m going to miss linda and kishan when they go back to kenya
dont know when they’ll be back or whether or not they’ll actually be back!
oh well..
so for the next couple of months, i’d like to cherish and spend as much time with them as possible

p.s. maywan and maureen, congrats congrats on the engagement and soon-to-be wedding!
all these marital bliss everywhere!
(do check out maureen and vincent’s blog.. the story of how he proposed might make u shed a tear or two.. very romantic)